The Kastner’s Guide To Identifying Monsters On Halloween

All Hallows Eve is nearly upon us, and along with tricks and treats, comes ghosts and ghouls.. how sure are you that those are children on your door step? For the safety of humanity on the day the door between worlds is at its weakest, follow the Kastner’s Guide To Identifying Monsters on Halloween. Tell your family, share with your friends, this may save your life.

Below you will find identifiable differences between children’s costumes, and the real mcCoy. If you are unfortunate enough to have a genuine monster knocking on your door, I urge you… DO NOT steak through the heart, dismember the head, vacuum into a spectral container, or unravel their bandages. Only do so once you have followed: Kastner’s Monster Verification Services to be 100% with out doubt that you are looking at a REAL monster. Doing so without following the guide will put you at risk of unleashing an angry horde of protective parents, and scaring children which we all know is a huge party foul.

Ghosts:
Children’s Costumes: Ghost costumes are usually (unless homemade by a seamstress master) pretty cheesy. You will notice that first and for most, there are legs touching the ground. If you cannot see legs then check to see what the face of the ghost looks like. Contrary to popular belief ghosts DO have facial features, and children’s costumes are generally featureless sheets with eye holes. Finally, check the area surrounding the ghost. Can you see what’s behind it? If not then you’re safe to hand out candy and go back to watching Netflix.
Real Monsters: Real ghosts are one of the easiest to identify monsters on Halloween. They float, which is a feature that is extremely difficult if not nigh on impossible to replicate. They are also fairly transparent. If you can see your mailbox through the figure standing on your doorstep, chances are pretty good you are looking at a true ghost. Finally check out the facial features of the ghost: are they tortured looking, disheveled, or showing some kind of noticeable injury? Finally try the candy test, it’s really very simple: see if the candy you hand them promptly falls to the ground. If so, you my friend have a Casper at your door.

What To Do Now:
Lucky for you ghosts are a low threat monster. Unless your biggest fear is random noises in your house and the occasional cold spot they really aren’t much of a threat. Ghosts are lost souls that either don’t want to move on, or don’t know they need to. There are two options when dealing with them. First option is to simply tell them they’re dead. You might get a shocked response, or unintelligible mumbling, but either way they needed to hear that they are indeed, dead. This might be enough to scare it away, but you may want to try being helpful to it and offer to help it move on. That is the second option. This is actually a really easy process, all you need to do is tell it that their loved ones are waiting for them at the white light. Encourage them to go into it, let them know they are safe, and that they don’t need to suffer anymore. 9/10 ghosts will go into the light.

VAMPIRES:
Children’s Costumes:
You will notice that children dressed as vampires all have pearly white fangs. They usually have imperfect hair, and may be found to have “blood stains” on their teeth, face, hands or clothes. Speaking of clothes, a costume will usually be modified to keep the child warm while they stalk the streets for candy. WATCH FOR THOSE SIGNS.
Real Monsters: When facing a real vampire first look at their fangs. A real vampires fangs will be yellow/brown (you have no idea how hard it is to get blood off enamel). Their breath will be pretty rancid as well, but not in the “I haven’t brushed my teeth in a week” way, more like “I haven’t gotten the rotting flesh out of my molars in 2 decades” which as you can imagine, is significantly worse. A vampires hair will also be sleek, you won’t be able to see a single fly away. That is because when they are hunting their victims they need the ability to fly with the utmost aerodynamics, it’s not a style choice but more of a survival necessity. Finally, if the monster on your door has all of these signs AND is wearing an outfit reminiscent of your grampa’s on his own father’s wedding day… then unfortunately for you, you are looking at a genuine vampire. Vampires are cold blooded, and don’t feel the cold outside, and when they wear absurd outfits it invites you to talk to them, which is of course a VERY BAD IDEA.

What To Do Now:
Don’t panic. The vampire assumes you think it’s a child. Tell the ghastly beast that you’ve run out of candy, and need to grab some from the kitchen. Now run like hell is at your door (which it totally is) and do one of two things: if you are a novice monster slayer, just get out of there. Vampires are an intermediate monster, and not to be slayed lightly. If you are an experienced monster slayer, then grab your decoy candy bar (the pressed garlic one) handy dandy bottle of liquid garlic, and your holy wooden stake. Hand over the “candy”, the vampire will respond to the touch of it immediately. Then spray the sucker in the face and sides (to disable his flying ability and stun his fangs to buy you time). When you have a GOOD SHOT (and I cannot emphasize that enough, as we all know if you miss staking the heart of a vampire it just disappears, but it will definitely come back) stake the blood sucker directly in the heart! You will know you hit your mark if the vampire disintegrates like one of the unlucky Marvel characters after Thanos snaps his fingers.

Mummies:
Childrens’s Costumes: Aside from the Hollywood style mummy costumes, kids dressed up like this un-dead fiend are generally wrapped in 2-ply toilet paper. That being said the wrap job usually isn’t that great, you will most likely see lively flesh underneath and that’s a dead giveaway that the “mummy” is a child. If you happen to have a well covered costume on your door step, ask them to do this trick for their treat: can you touch your head? A child will still have full mobility of their arms and legs and that trick will be a cake walk for them. They might also answer you with words, which is another thing true mummy’s cannot do. Finally do the secret smell test, take in a deep breath of fresh air, if you don’t immediately start heaving, then give that mummy their gummies and move on!
Real Monsters: Real mummy’s are hundreds, to hundreds of thousands years old. The time they’ve been un-dead on this earth results in a putrid, vile, gut turning smell that will burn your eyes and nose hairs. You will be able to smell them before you even open the door, so keep that in mind before you open it. Mummy’s also generally have ZERO mobility in their arms. More often then not whoever prepared them for the afterlife decided they don’t need them anymore, and has tightly wrapped their arms together in-front of their chest, sometimes holding rare artifacts. (Side Note on the artifacts, if you manage to banish the mummy and unravel it’s wrappings, DO NOT-I repeat- DO NOT touch the artifact! Have you ever seen Suicide Squad? Touching ancient mummified artifacts is a one way trip to possessing the spirit of the mummy in your own body, so unless you REALLY hate your life, and love to sleep for eternity and never eat, DO NOT TOUCH THAT ARTIFACT.)

What To Do Now:
Lucky for you, Mummy’s are notoriously slow walkers. In reality if you don’t want to deal with it you could just side step them and they wouldn’t be able to catch you. But you’re not reading this guide just to know how to stay safe from monsters, you are also getting an insanely valuable education on how to banish them. Mummy’s are after all their years of decaying, nothing but bandages and bones. All you need to do in this case, is grab a hold of the wrappings and start running laps around the beast. As you unwrap them you will definitely need to plug your nose, the smell gets significantly worse the closer you get to the center. Keep unwrapping until all you have is a pile of wrappings and dust on your door step. If an ancient artifact drops, contact Kastner Auctions to have it quarantined, removed, and possible consigned (see note above on why you should never touch the artifact).

Zombies
Children’s Costumes: Like their mummy cousins, zombie children’s costumes are usually pretty cheesy. The exception being that there are some pretty amazing makeup artists out there with kids, so you may end up with a realistic costume on your door step. Pay special attention to the zombies wounds. Puss is a pretty hard to replicate feature of a zombie, mainly because the smell is unmistakable. If the zombie your looking at has wounds with no noticeable flies or maggots floating around, then chances are your looking at a kid. Zombie costumes will also 100% of the time have all 4 limbs. That is something a real zombie usually does not possess.
Real Monsters: Zombies are a lot like mummies, they smell TERRIBLE. But that is not the biggest give away that the thing your looking at is an un-dead beast, the biggest hint is their limb count. If they are missing a hand, foot, rib, or any other life-necessary body part then you can quickly identify that this guy is the real deal. Zombies always have hoards of friends with them, they are pack creatures and usually can’t hunt without at least 20 other brain hungry morons in tow.

What To Do Now:
If you truly have a zombie at your door, do NOT open the door. If you have already chances are you’ve already been bitten and your days are numbered. Zombies are not the smartest monster, so they typically go straight for the biting without wasting any time convincing you that they are anything other then un-dead. What you need to do to survive a zombie at your door is sever the head. Zombies don’t need any other part of their body except the connection from their neck to their spine and up into their so called brain. You can be creative on how to sever this connection, I would recommend watching a season or two of The Walking Dead before Halloween to study up on the do’s and don’t’s of zombie killing.