The Kastner’s Guide To Identifying Monsters On Halloween

All Hallows Eve is nearly upon us, and along with tricks and treats, comes ghosts and ghouls.. how sure are you that those are children on your door step? For the safety of humanity on the day the door between worlds is at its weakest, follow the Kastner’s Guide To Identifying Monsters on Halloween. Tell your family, share with your friends, this may save your life.

Below you will find identifiable differences between children’s costumes, and the real mcCoy. If you are unfortunate enough to have a genuine monster knocking on your door, I urge you… DO NOT steak through the heart, dismember the head, vacuum into a spectral container, or unravel their bandages. Only do so once you have followed: Kastner’s Monster Verification Services to be 100% with out doubt that you are looking at a REAL monster. Doing so without following the guide will put you at risk of unleashing an angry horde of protective parents, and scaring children which we all know is a huge party foul.

Ghosts:
Children’s Costumes: Ghost costumes are usually (unless homemade by a seamstress master) pretty cheesy. You will notice that first and for most, there are legs touching the ground. If you cannot see legs then check to see what the face of the ghost looks like. Contrary to popular belief ghosts DO have facial features, and children’s costumes are generally featureless sheets with eye holes. Finally, check the area surrounding the ghost. Can you see what’s behind it? If not then you’re safe to hand out candy and go back to watching Netflix.
Real Monsters: Real ghosts are one of the easiest to identify monsters on Halloween. They float, which is a feature that is extremely difficult if not nigh on impossible to replicate. They are also fairly transparent. If you can see your mailbox through the figure standing on your doorstep, chances are pretty good you are looking at a true ghost. Finally check out the facial features of the ghost: are they tortured looking, disheveled, or showing some kind of noticeable injury? Finally try the candy test, it’s really very simple: see if the candy you hand them promptly falls to the ground. If so, you my friend have a Casper at your door.

What To Do Now:
Lucky for you ghosts are a low threat monster. Unless your biggest fear is random noises in your house and the occasional cold spot they really aren’t much of a threat. Ghosts are lost souls that either don’t want to move on, or don’t know they need to. There are two options when dealing with them. First option is to simply tell them they’re dead. You might get a shocked response, or unintelligible mumbling, but either way they needed to hear that they are indeed, dead. This might be enough to scare it away, but you may want to try being helpful to it and offer to help it move on. That is the second option. This is actually a really easy process, all you need to do is tell it that their loved ones are waiting for them at the white light. Encourage them to go into it, let them know they are safe, and that they don’t need to suffer anymore. 9/10 ghosts will go into the light.

VAMPIRES:
Children’s Costumes:
You will notice that children dressed as vampires all have pearly white fangs. They usually have imperfect hair, and may be found to have “blood stains” on their teeth, face, hands or clothes. Speaking of clothes, a costume will usually be modified to keep the child warm while they stalk the streets for candy. WATCH FOR THOSE SIGNS.
Real Monsters: When facing a real vampire first look at their fangs. A real vampires fangs will be yellow/brown (you have no idea how hard it is to get blood off enamel). Their breath will be pretty rancid as well, but not in the “I haven’t brushed my teeth in a week” way, more like “I haven’t gotten the rotting flesh out of my molars in 2 decades” which as you can imagine, is significantly worse. A vampires hair will also be sleek, you won’t be able to see a single fly away. That is because when they are hunting their victims they need the ability to fly with the utmost aerodynamics, it’s not a style choice but more of a survival necessity. Finally, if the monster on your door has all of these signs AND is wearing an outfit reminiscent of your grampa’s on his own father’s wedding day… then unfortunately for you, you are looking at a genuine vampire. Vampires are cold blooded, and don’t feel the cold outside, and when they wear absurd outfits it invites you to talk to them, which is of course a VERY BAD IDEA.

What To Do Now:
Don’t panic. The vampire assumes you think it’s a child. Tell the ghastly beast that you’ve run out of candy, and need to grab some from the kitchen. Now run like hell is at your door (which it totally is) and do one of two things: if you are a novice monster slayer, just get out of there. Vampires are an intermediate monster, and not to be slayed lightly. If you are an experienced monster slayer, then grab your decoy candy bar (the pressed garlic one) handy dandy bottle of liquid garlic, and your holy wooden stake. Hand over the “candy”, the vampire will respond to the touch of it immediately. Then spray the sucker in the face and sides (to disable his flying ability and stun his fangs to buy you time). When you have a GOOD SHOT (and I cannot emphasize that enough, as we all know if you miss staking the heart of a vampire it just disappears, but it will definitely come back) stake the blood sucker directly in the heart! You will know you hit your mark if the vampire disintegrates like one of the unlucky Marvel characters after Thanos snaps his fingers.

Mummies:
Childrens’s Costumes: Aside from the Hollywood style mummy costumes, kids dressed up like this un-dead fiend are generally wrapped in 2-ply toilet paper. That being said the wrap job usually isn’t that great, you will most likely see lively flesh underneath and that’s a dead giveaway that the “mummy” is a child. If you happen to have a well covered costume on your door step, ask them to do this trick for their treat: can you touch your head? A child will still have full mobility of their arms and legs and that trick will be a cake walk for them. They might also answer you with words, which is another thing true mummy’s cannot do. Finally do the secret smell test, take in a deep breath of fresh air, if you don’t immediately start heaving, then give that mummy their gummies and move on!
Real Monsters: Real mummy’s are hundreds, to hundreds of thousands years old. The time they’ve been un-dead on this earth results in a putrid, vile, gut turning smell that will burn your eyes and nose hairs. You will be able to smell them before you even open the door, so keep that in mind before you open it. Mummy’s also generally have ZERO mobility in their arms. More often then not whoever prepared them for the afterlife decided they don’t need them anymore, and has tightly wrapped their arms together in-front of their chest, sometimes holding rare artifacts. (Side Note on the artifacts, if you manage to banish the mummy and unravel it’s wrappings, DO NOT-I repeat- DO NOT touch the artifact! Have you ever seen Suicide Squad? Touching ancient mummified artifacts is a one way trip to possessing the spirit of the mummy in your own body, so unless you REALLY hate your life, and love to sleep for eternity and never eat, DO NOT TOUCH THAT ARTIFACT.)

What To Do Now:
Lucky for you, Mummy’s are notoriously slow walkers. In reality if you don’t want to deal with it you could just side step them and they wouldn’t be able to catch you. But you’re not reading this guide just to know how to stay safe from monsters, you are also getting an insanely valuable education on how to banish them. Mummy’s are after all their years of decaying, nothing but bandages and bones. All you need to do in this case, is grab a hold of the wrappings and start running laps around the beast. As you unwrap them you will definitely need to plug your nose, the smell gets significantly worse the closer you get to the center. Keep unwrapping until all you have is a pile of wrappings and dust on your door step. If an ancient artifact drops, contact Kastner Auctions to have it quarantined, removed, and possible consigned (see note above on why you should never touch the artifact).

Zombies
Children’s Costumes: Like their mummy cousins, zombie children’s costumes are usually pretty cheesy. The exception being that there are some pretty amazing makeup artists out there with kids, so you may end up with a realistic costume on your door step. Pay special attention to the zombies wounds. Puss is a pretty hard to replicate feature of a zombie, mainly because the smell is unmistakable. If the zombie your looking at has wounds with no noticeable flies or maggots floating around, then chances are your looking at a kid. Zombie costumes will also 100% of the time have all 4 limbs. That is something a real zombie usually does not possess.
Real Monsters: Zombies are a lot like mummies, they smell TERRIBLE. But that is not the biggest give away that the thing your looking at is an un-dead beast, the biggest hint is their limb count. If they are missing a hand, foot, rib, or any other life-necessary body part then you can quickly identify that this guy is the real deal. Zombies always have hoards of friends with them, they are pack creatures and usually can’t hunt without at least 20 other brain hungry morons in tow.

What To Do Now:
If you truly have a zombie at your door, do NOT open the door. If you have already chances are you’ve already been bitten and your days are numbered. Zombies are not the smartest monster, so they typically go straight for the biting without wasting any time convincing you that they are anything other then un-dead. What you need to do to survive a zombie at your door is sever the head. Zombies don’t need any other part of their body except the connection from their neck to their spine and up into their so called brain. You can be creative on how to sever this connection, I would recommend watching a season or two of The Walking Dead before Halloween to study up on the do’s and don’t’s of zombie killing.

Behind The Face of Kastner Auctions

A Fun Interview with Sean Kastner

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Today’s blog post is a bit different than the previous ones. Today I will be interviewing the President and one of the owners of Kastner Auctions, Sean Kastner. I decided instead of having a super formal interview, it would be much more fun to see the not-so-formal side of a man who has been with Kastner Auctions for over 25 years, helping it grow to the business it is today.

1. Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer?

ANSWER: “A balanced mixture of both — a delegater”

2. You’re a new addition to the crayon box. What color would you be and why?

ANSWER: “A combination of the rainbow surrounding a pencil because I am focused on bringing visions to manifestations”

3. We finish the interview and you step outside the office and find a lottery ticket that ends up winning $10 million. What would you do?

ANSWER: “I’d cash it in and buy and island and invite the people with the biggest hearts and best minds to live on and do what they are doing in Auroville, and make a massive preserve depending on how much more funds we could raise.”

4. What do you think about when you’re alone in your car?

ANSWER: “I think about the state of mind I am in. If I am in a not so good mood, I think about what I can do to make myself feel better. I focus on what is next. It is my time to regroup and think about how I can be more awesome.”

5. What’s your favorite ’90s jam?

ANSWER: “I like any strawberry jam… Kidding:  “Nirvana”

6. If you could be any animal in the world, what animal would you be and why? 

ANSWER: “Dolphin. Reason being is they are pleasure seeking animals who live in the moment. They are sentient beings aware of their freedom. They can do whatever they want, whenever they want so long as they stay in water ;).”

7. What was the last gift you gave someone?

ANSWER: “30 year old bottle of scotch for my father. Hey dad, If you are reading this, I love you!”

8. What were you like in high school?

ANSWER: “I was an extremist. Mildly anarchist, and an eclecticist. I brought the best out of everyone into what I know, project wise: one was universal peace, the other was Illuminati’s creative arts association…”

9. What’s the last thing you watched on TV and why did you choose to watch it?

ANSWER: “Walking Dead. I was forced into it because I watched it the year before and there was a major cliffhanger. I am a temporary zombie junkie.”

10. What is the funniest thing that has happened to you recently?

ANSWER: “Kidnapped in Cuba.”

11. What inspires you?

ANSWER: “My mother, humanitarians, the phoenix fire bird, and pushing limits”

12. What do you work toward in your free time?

ANSWER: “Honing my marketing skills, creating new business systems, and drinking up useful knowledge.”

13. What’s the most interesting thing about you that we wouldn’t learn from your resume alone?

ANSWER: “I am triple jointed.”

14. How would you rate your memory?

ANSWER: “What was the question?”

15. If you woke up and had 2,000 unread emails and could only answer 300 of them, how would you choose which ones to answer?

ANSWER: “By my  most important contacts.”

16. Describe the color yellow to somebody who is blind.

ANSWER: “Yellow is energizing, the aura of the sun, the first colors of warmth, powerful, gives earth life.”

17. You’ve been given an elephant. You can’t give it away or sell it. What would you do with the elephant?

ANSWER: “I would by the lot next to me, build a pen and send him to summer camp.”

18. Who would win a fight between Spiderman and Batman?

ANSWER: “Batman. He has more accessories and more tricks up his sleeve than Spiderman.”

19. How would you convince someone to do something they didn’t want to do?

ANSWER: “Longthorn Cactuses have been proved to be very persuasive… KIDDING!  I usually focus on taking one for the team and let them know how important their contribution is, let them know how important it is and what benefits will become of it, I appeal to their nobler motives“

20. A penguin walks through that door right now wearing a sombrero. What does he say and why is he here?

ANSWER: “Senor, global warming is coming and I have no ice cubes. I stay here?”

Closing

During the interview, it was interesting watching Sean’s face as I asked him the questions. It was fun and some of the answers I received I did not expect as much. This interview definitely shows that Sean is not only a businessman who works hard for his business, he is also a very entertaining man who views life in general as a gift. He has a sense of humor and is pretty easy to get along with, which translates into the business culture found in Kastner Auctions.

If you’ve enjoyed this interview, stay tuned as a secondary interview with the other owner of Kastner Auctions, Dave, will be coming soon near you!

Don’t forget to check out our website at kauctions.ca and check out the auctions currently lined up for this week at bidlive.kauctions.ca.

Sincerely,

A very interested blogger

Attend an auction live or online?

 

by now you’ve probably realized that The auction is a STRONG social community.You can save up to 70 percent on purchases and a huge amount of people make friends for life. Save copious amounts of cash on vehicles, renovations, home accessories, business supplies and other stuff you would  get from a department store,

what you might not know is should you attend live or on the internet?

which one is better?

we’ve had hundreds of years to perfect live auctions and such a small time to start really crafting on-line auctions,  let me help you with this decision:

if you need your raw senses stimulated  you must attend a live auction at least for the first time,  you can always attend live and access an auction from your smart phone later that day or even for the next auction

please attend live if you can the first time even if its for an hour, remember we send out a catalogue 2 days before the auction so you can get an idea when the items are selling

( eg. say we are selling the exact item you want and its item 146—- we sell items at approximately 100 lots per hour so that would be about an hour and a half into to auction.  auction starts at 10 you are here at eleven and you have enough time to register and start to bid)

If you just want to watch an auction from your computer its a great experience especially when we provide multiple pictures, sound, video, and an easy to use platform that you can access from any portable device to bid

remember though in video, there is a 2 second delay on video ( but not bidding)   obviously live auctions are hopefully zero percent 😉

remember that the average auction accounts for 30% business on internet and 70% live,  there’s a reason why people bid live

If you like people come to a live event you will surely make friends!you usually save 5% on the auction premium, and live is way more exciting! you can get 360 degree views of the item always ( although we have live feeds of the items for internet)

Internet technology is much better since the creation of HTML 5 ( so long as you use Google Chrome or FireFox) you can bid on the beach, in an airport,  leave absentee bids, view the auction during supper dates, in your pajamas or even while your on the road ( riding shotgun 😉  )

it comes down to preference, time and distance though, think about these and then choose how you would like to attend an auction:

if you are on the run and have little time or are a home-body                                   register for online auction updates here 

If you are looking for a real experience then try it live                                                  register for live auction updates here

 

See you live or virtually soon!

Sean Kastner

President

Kastner Auctions